Happy New Year!

Things have slowly gotten better since the first night Sebastian was home.  I wish I had more time to write because I know I'm forgetting things I want to put in the blog.

After the first sleepless night, we realized that we had to do something to get Sebastian to sleep better.  He's definitely used to the swaddling and mattresses and blankets that they use in the NICU to support the babies and keep them in position.  He literally cannot stay flat on his back without something to hold him there.  So after talking to our pediatrician, the visiting nurse, and the NICU nurses that we love so much, we finally realized that although the SIDS recommendations are valid and helpful, we need to do something to keep him from rolling over on his face, which would be equally as bad as having him smothered by a blanket.  So our sources agreed that you can use tightly wrapped blankets to swaddle (not just sleep sacks) and then make a "uterus" around the baby with a rolled up towel.  We put nothing above his armpits and have been watching him alike a hawk while he's napping during the day to see how he reacts and whether or not he's able to move the blankets around him too much.  So far so good--it makes a huge difference and he's sleeping more.  As it is, he's a baby that likes to be held--we knew this from the NICU nurses.  But we can't hold him all the time and have to break him of this habit!

Here's what we ended up doing...we swaddle him with his arms OUT at night, which keeps the sleep sack even further away from his face. 

He's also been so frantically hungry that we finally realized that despite conflicting advice, we're going with what the NICU nurses suggest (as opposed to visiting nurse) and feeding him whatever amount he can take (without spitting up, which he hasn't done).  The visiting nurse had mentioned not going up on his feeding amounts too quickly, but I don't think that's the case anyway.  We're still giving him about what he got in the NICU, it just varies from feeding to feeding what he actually wants.  It's amazing how ravenous he is, though.  Sometimes he can't even latch to breastfeed because he's so out of sorts.  I spoke to a lactation consultant who I really love at the NICU about it today, though, and she suggested that for now, if he won't latch, I feed him 10ml from a bottle (which he will take even when ravenous) to calm him down and then put him to breast.  I was actually going to try this on my own (common sense), but it was nice to hear it suggested by lactation at BWH.

One thing I've realized is I just have to let go of some of the rigidity of the dos and don'ts and use my head in terms of what's best for my baby in his particular case.  I play by the rules, maybe too much, so this is a hard thing to accept.  But I think it's right to trust our instincts.

Yesterday Carlos left me alone with Sebastian for a bit to go visit Adrian in the hospital. He ate and slept the whole time, which is what I expected, but it was nice to not have any surprises during my first time alone with him.  Carlos and I were really disappointed to hear that Adrian is back to choking again from time to time at his feedings.  He's still better than he was a few days ago before the transfusion, but at least some of his issue really is due to maturity and not just because he had a low red blood cell count.  They were supposed to hook him up to monitors while eating today to measure his oxygen levels and see if he is having decelerations while eating. If so, they were going to put the feeding tube back in and leave it for a few days and NOT bottle feed him at all.  This was the plan a few days ago, but it was not actually carried out because he was feeding so much better after the transfusion.  In any event, eventually he'll learn how to eat.  It's so frustrating, though, because he's so coordinated when breastfeeding!  But it's NOT the same with the bottle, which is harder for them to control.

Today I left Carlos alone with Sebastian to go see Adrian.  Carlos was fine (as I knew he would be), but tired when I got home after about 3 1/2 hours.  The boys' primary nurses Marcy and Judy were both there today so I got to ask them both all of my questions after having the boys home for a few days.  It's much easier to have questions and to know what to ask once you've had the baby home for a few days.  What a neat thing it is to have them as a resource!  I can't imagine what mothers of full term babies do!  I guess they figure things out on their own.  Then again, a lot of the issues we're having are due to having preemies, which have different needs than regular newborns.

Carlos is off tomorrow (holiday) so I have one more day before I have to do this alone for 8+ hours with no company.  I have my 6 week check up with the OB/GYN on Tuesday.  So that will be my first adventure out on the town with Sebastian.  We'll see how that goes!  Luckily, I feel back to 99% of my former self.  No more discomfort or pain from birth.  I do still tire more easily than before I was on bed rest and haven't gained all my muscle strength or tone back.  But I'm getting there.  I am not worried because I will have great biceps after a while from carrying around 2 babies in car seats.

Lastly, I'm surprised at how hormonal I am.  I literally cannot stop crying.  And yet I don't feel depressed or like I don't want to get out of bed.  I just have butterflies in my stomach all the time.   I think this is mainly due to our state of limbo with Adrian still in the NICU and the realization that despite the past few days with Sebastian, we still really don't know what's coming with two to take care of.  I remember after I gave birth, one of my favorite nurses who took care of me on bed rest asked me if I'd had a good cry yet.  I looked at her like she was crazy, because I had no desire at all to cry and didn't feel very different than while I was pregnant.  But now I know what she was talking about.  I think my hormones and need to cry were delayed for 28 days or so until Sebastian came home.  Now they are finally manifesting themselves.  In a way, I'm glad.  I know it's normal, and I just want it all out of my system.  Carlos doesn't quite know what to make of me, but he's been good about it.

Adrian today.  I realized today when holding him just how much he and Sebastian look alike now. I didn't think they did at all at first, but the resemblance is getting stronger as Sebastian rounds out!  Adrian is 6lbs 4.5oz now, and Sebastian is 5lbs 9oz.  Catching up...